Joining the Jewish Community Was a Covert Mission

Joining the Jewish community was a covert mission, aimed at expanding my Jewish knowledge. I embarked with trepidation, intimidated by knowledgeable insiders. I dreaded people asking “are you Jewish?” and feeling obligated to divulge innocent bystanders in a detailed account of my ancestry. I felt like I was trespassing on the identity of others that somehow I did not deserve. Among other Jews, I was constantly waiting for my ticket to be validated or my cover to be blown. I became accustomed to listening, rather than participating. I took mental notes of terms and phrases that I would later research.

My personal relationship with Hillel and the greater Jewish community has become strengthened within the past couple years. I owe this shift to my grandmother. Spring of 2006, I left the University of Oregon. I returned to my hometown with plans to attend community college and act as a caregiver for my Grandma Bunny, age 97. I returned home prepared for social isolation, but I had not anticipated a shift in perspective. As I spent time with my grandmother it became clear that she lived in fear of her own identity. She lived through a time when Jewish people were persecuted for their beliefs. They were marginalized and categorized. My Grandma Bunny, stubborn on all accounts, was reluctant to claim her Jewish background. During the holidays she masqueraded as a member of the religious majority. She hung Christmas decorations and insisted that it was easier to pretend. She was convinced that her friendships with neighbors and caretakers would be compromised if they knew her true Jewish identity. Mostly she was tired, she did not have enough energy left for conflict.

My grandmother will always be in my heart. I want to celebrate and enjoy my culture in ways that she was never able to. As a tribute to my Grandma Bunny, I resolved to explore Judaism. Upon my return to the University of Oregon I committed to attending Hillel Shabbat services for an entire term or until I felt comfortable, whichever came first. I fulfilled my term commitment and felt motivated to continue. However, I was still waiting. Without realizing it, I was allowing the perceptions of others to restrict my personal growth.

My advice to new members of the Jewish community: take an introspective approach. Determine why Judaism is important to you. Acceptance in the Jewish community is great, but it should not be the main objective. Be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Do not compensate for your own misgivings by attempting to hide under the cultural umbrella of others. Note: dating a Jewish guy (while fun) does not make you Jewish. Instead, learn about Judaism to satisfy your own personal curiosity. Enroll in a Judaic Studies class or take advantage of resources at UO. I can’t help but laugh at the irrational abundance of fear I once felt. The Jewish community is an ally, not an arch-nemesis. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have gained and the many relationships that I deeply value. Thanks for being patient with me Oregon Jews. This journey has been incredibly meaningful.

Whitney Pollack